Old Weird Ward
Unless otherwise noted, that which is posted here is opinion, which is protected by the First Amendment to the US Constitution. If you don't like my opinions, go somewhere else. Nobody is forcing you to actually read this drivel.
The presumption exists that you can read at all.
That may be a large assumption.
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Monday, May 12, 2003
- - - - - In English, Please - - - - -
OK, you wanted to know how come English is such a bear to learn? My thanks to Denny Wilson for this. Here it is....
Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
2) The farm was used to produce produce.
3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more
refuse.
4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the
desert.
7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought
it was time to present the present.
8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
10) I did not object to the object.
11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to
row.
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins
weren't invented in England or French fries in
France.
Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't
sweet, are meat.
Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a
guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
And why is it that writers write but fingers don't
fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural
of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2
meese?
Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not
one amend.
If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of
all but one of them, what do you call it? Is it an
odd, or an end?
If teachers taught, why don't preachers praught? If a
vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian
eat?
In what language do people recite at a play and play
at a recital?
Ship by truck and send cargo by ship?
Have noses that run and feet that smell?
How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same,
while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?
You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language
in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in
which you fill in a form by filling it out and in
which an alarm goes off by going on.
English was invented by people, not computers, and it
reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of
course, is not a race at all.
That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible,
but when the lights are out, they are invisible.
P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
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And for a bonus question: How do you pronounce ghoti?
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