Old Weird Ward
Unless otherwise noted, that which is posted here is opinion, which is protected by the First Amendment to the US Constitution. If you don't like my opinions, go somewhere else. Nobody is forcing you to actually read this drivel.
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Tuesday, April 15, 2003
- - - - - Vicious Satire - - - - -
This is a pretty vicious satire. It's also funny as hell, if you're not French. I didn't write it, I got it in an email from a person whose identity I will not reveal. Yeah, I'm protecting the guilty.
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The Complete Military History of France
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- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000 years of French history, France is conquered by of all things, an Italian.
- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at last by female schizophrenic who inadvertently creates The First Rule of French Warfare; "France's armies are victorious only when not led by a Frenchman."
- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever lose two wars when fighting Italians.
- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots. The war gained religious freedom for all the Frogs, who promptly built huge Cathedrals they continue to smoke in to this very day.
- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that eventually the other participants started ignoring her.
- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as chapeaux - fancy French word for "put it on your head".
- The Dutch War - Tied
- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War - Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French military power.
- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved ever since.
- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists saw far more action. This is later known as "de Gaulle Syndrome", and leads to the Second Rule of French warfare; "France only wins when America does most of the fighting."
- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was also French. Could be considered a tie, but since the winners promptly executed a boatload of French, we all won.
- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for a British footwear designer.
- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk frat boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night. There was a slap, a tickle, and then the ugly girl decided virtue was HIGHLY overrated. The frat boy later went home, and didn't brag to anyone. It was THAT BAD.
- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the United States. In early April, 1917, French forces are so thoroughly mauled during the Third Battle of Champagne that 68 of 112 French divisions refused to return to the line. Over 2800 men were convicted of mutiny in the face of the enemy, but French Generals (including Petain) decided they'd rather have crap than nothing, and spared most. Meanwhile, thousands of French women find out what it's like to not only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her "Fraulein." Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any improvement in the French bloodline.
- World War II - Lost. French resistance puts up an heroic struggle - to obtain American chocolate and cigarettes, and avoid doing anything of substance until 1944. The French Navy - both boats - surrendered to the Germans rather than leave the comfy confines of their ports, thus enjoying Mediterranian Sunshine for the duration of the war. Conquered French liberated by the United States and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song. In French.
- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed with the Dien Bien Flu.
- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the Second Rule of Muslim Warfare; "We can always beat the French." (the first being "When In Doubt, Kill The Infidel"). This rule is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans, English, Poles, Dutch, Hungarians, Romans, Spanish, Vietnamese, most English football teams, and Esquimaux.
- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind its recent history, surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to
surrender to Vietnamese ambassador fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's. The question for any country silly enough to count on the French should not be "Can we count on the French?" but rather "How long until France collapses?"
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